PMAT Investigates: MilkiLeaks*–From Whence Cometh Sweetened Condensed Milk?

A cow [15/365]
Photo by Dave Wild

It smells like babies.  It creams AND sweetens your coffee in one Fell swoop.  It's beige.  It comes in a weird sized can.  It's sweetened condensed milk, and the label would have you believe that it's milk that has been sweetened and condensed.

But these days, all that is just marketing hype.  In this Brave New World of genetically modified organisms, disease-resistant crops and tomatoes that just taste pink, the Crack team of reporters here at PMAT have discovered the Ugly Truth behind the making of Sweetened. Condensed. Milk.

The Food Scientists over at Nestle and Borden, it seems, have been hard at work over the years perfecting Protocol whereby cows produce a milk with shocking viscosity, singular coloring and infant-like scent. Yes, that's correct.  Sweetened and condensed before leaving the cow. And now, Assange-like, I shall hold back the curtain and ask you all to take a gander at what is Really going on in the world of sweetened condensed milk.

Oh, the cows!  The cows that produce SCM live under very artificial conditions.  Forced to eat nothing but simple carbohydrates, every day is Halloween for these bovines.  They are herded door to door in wretched parody of happy human children and are fed at every stop a diet of caramels, taffy, Tootsie-Pops and the occasional Root Beer Barrel.

After the daily round of door-to-door sweets-begging, the girls are rounded up for their session in the Sweat Lodge.  Here, they sweat out gallons and gallons of liquid (which is then desalinated and used to water the plants, so they at least get points for attempting to be Green) which concentrates their milk.  This vicious cycle of Sugar In Water Out continues for 30 full days, at which point the majority of the girls are given a hot bath to thin out the product, making the milk somewhat easier to Express.  (The rest are kept to make Dulce de Leche, but I just don't think you could handle the description of that particular process).

Next time you spy those comforting-looking cans of baby-smelling yumminess on the shelf, think of what the poor cows must endure so that you can cream AND sweeten your coffee with a minimum of effort.  Do you really want to support that sort of enterprise?!  Can you sleep soundly at night knowing that Bovine Sweat Lodges exist?  That a whole generation of cows are suffering from malnutrition, hyperactivity and wretched dental health?!  Stay your grabby little hand, put away your wallets and Stop the Madness.  Just make your own sweetened condensed milk, and you can continue to enjoy Coffee Perfection with Minimal Effort without supporting the Mainstream SCM Industry.

No Guilt Sweetened Condensed Milk

  • 1/2 cup boiling water
  • 1 cup nonfat dry milk
  • 2/3 cup sugar
  • 3 Tablespoons butter

Put all ingredients in a blender or food processor.

Blend/process until smooth.

Use right away, knowing that you are saying yes to healthy cows and a resounding no to a decidedly uncowmane industry.

Have a lovely April 1st. 🙂

*Brought to you by the April Fool'sdivision of PMAT


  1. CharlieR says

    I boil the store bought stuff to make my turtles.

    Can this be done with the homemade.

    I have never been able to do it with the cm out of the can.

  2. says

    Please tell me that the cow in the photo isn’t forced to sweat to water the carrots? She’s SO cute!!

    We have no cool whip in Australia. We’re FORCED to whip our own cream from contented cows that don’t have to sweat unless it’s hot, which it can be sometimes but it evaporates before it ever hits the carrots.

    • says

      Australia sounds like a magical place, where the cows are happy and there is no Cool Whip. I like it there already.

      As to cows sweating for watering carrots, I shall remain silent on the issue… 😉

  3. says

    Oh goodness, since I never ever never ever used that stuff, but my mom did, I had no idea. Never thought of finding out what they do to those poor cows. A sweat lodge? Did they at least get to smoke a peace pipe or something? I wonder if cows have dreams. Maybe nightmares.

    Oh goodness…

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