I’ve tried to hold back. Truly, I have. But it has now gotten to the point that I must speak. I should take the high road and talk about muffins or crepes or pudding or something, but I can no longer See the High Road because of the red Haze of Rage that blurs my vision. So, I’m just going to talk it out. Thanks for listening, because I know I will feel Much Better after I’ve gotten these Items off my chest.
1. The Special K Commercial. You know the one: a nice Mommy is sitting at a small table with her daughter working on Some Sort of Craft Project. The mommy looks lovely. She is of Less Than Regular Size. And then, she stands up, and the chair gets stuck to her hiney. And rather than realize, like a sane person, that she should Not be sitting at the Kiddy Table because Kiddy Table chairs are not made for Grown-Ups (this is why they place them at the Kiddy Table in the first place), she Works Out in her brain that she should prolly Shed a Few Pounds. Because those Olsen twins should be everyone’s body-type role models.
And can I just add here that I have never seen a Person of Average Size or Above on any Special K Commercial. Ever. They tell you to lose weight by replacing two meals with a bowl of their Magical Cereal every day for two weeks. And then you can have a Reasonable Dinner. The two cereal meals equal 220 calories, so unless you’re cramming down a Bloomin’ Onion, a Slab O’ Baby Backs and some Chili-Cheese Fries, you will be subsisting on maybe 800 calories a day. Awesome.
2. The Chef Boyardee Commercial. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hulLOjfhaww&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b]Take a moment to soak that in, will you? On the surface, this is a cute little commercial. The subtext is that one must Lie and Sweat to get their children with big Trusting Eyes to eat their vegetables. Because, you know, vegetables are evil and nasty and Do Not Taste Good. And now that the mom has Wimbled About, hemming and hawing and Consulting Jiminy Cricket, the child probably won’t waste her time asking her mom what any other letters spell. Like P-O-I-S-O-N. And then she drinks it and then asks her mom why all the purple dragons are flying around the room and then they have to call poison control and they say, “Quick, pump her full of vegetables.” At which point the mother rushes for the Chef Boyardee can but she can’t find the can opener. Let us just walk away from this Tragic Scene, shall we?
3. Big Mac Sloppy Joes. I saw a reference to this on twitter from @RenaissGourmet, so I went and investigated. This is what I found: Big Mac Sloppy Joes Recipe by Ellie Krieger. You know Ellie. Per her website, she is:
New York Times bestselling author and James Beard Foundation and IACP award winner Ellie Krieger helps people of all ages achieve balance in food, health and life, and have joy right at their fingertips. She is a registered dietitian and host of a hit show, “Healthy Appetite,” on Food Network.
I have taken the Liberty of bolding parts of the description. Wowie. Follow Ellie and win the Keys to Joy. She wants us to be healthy and happy and watch Food Network. Apparently, she is also In Bed with the fine folks at McDonald’s. I give you the first sentence in the procedure section of the recipe for Joy-At-Your-Fingertips Healthy Big Mac Sloppy Joes:
“Finely chop the filling of a McDonald’s Big Mac, including the burger and toppings; reserve the outer buns and discard the center bun.”
I’ll wait while you Compose Yourselves.
Yes, registered dietitian Ellie Krieger would like us to chop two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions and feed it to our pets bury it where it cannot contaminate the ground water mix it with real food and then make our family eat it. On the reserved McDonald’s Bun! I am speechless.
Right. Straight to Azkaban with her, I say.
If you’d like, swing by the comments about this “recipe.” I am not the first to take offense, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last.
I’m pretty sure that, as soon as I get up from the desk where the Magic happens, I will remember more annoying stuff. But, I have a houseful of guests coming in a few hours, and I must go clean.
Let’s love ourselves, folks. Let’s love ourselves enough to realize that looking Good should not mean looking Gaunt. Let’s eat all the colors of the rainbow in the form of vegetables, and let’s share that excitement with our kids (or kittens). Let’s vow not to Lie and Deceive our loved ones about eating vegetables, lest we end up calling 911 as in our Cautionary Tale above. And, for the love of Everything, let’s just Step. Away. From. The. Big. Mac.
That is all. Have a lovely weekend.