Okay, I’ve tried to hold this in. Partly because I don’t want all of you to leave here whispering “oooo, she’s Crazy” as you leave, and partly because if I post some random rant about a Thing that Makes Me Mad, I will have another Mrs. Paul’s Incident on my hands. I post about that awful commercial, and all of a sudden, folks are finding me by searching for “you feed me minced?” “Mrs. Paul’s whole filet commercial” and “little girl minced fish.” And guess who these people are? They are people who like the commercial! So then they want to yell at me because they just came to “ooh” and “ah” over Little Miss Minced Fish and somehow I forced them to read my post. Deep breaths.
Well, I cannot hold it in. Before I Unleash my Wrath, I need to tell you two things about myself. Thing One: I ran for class secretary in the 5th grade. I stayed up late making campaign buttons with the Catchy Campaign Slogan “Vote for me. I can spell.” Because, seriously, shouldn’t Good Spelling Skills be at the top of the list of Secretarial Job Requirements? I lost. My own campaign manager voted for Jennifer Jones. Who, incidentally, is one of my facebook friends. Thing Two: I laughed out loud when I read Eats Shoots and Leaves. I laughed A Very Lot. I laughed until my face hurt. (Yes, I know, it’s killing you. You’re hilarious. Can we move on, please)? If you do not know of this book, it is a hilarious Treatise on Proper Grammar. And in my world, those two things go together quite nicely. If you want to fix Inappropriate Apostrophes wherever you see them, then this book is for you. I read it in bed, and every 7 seconds, I would howl with laughter and force The Beloved to listen to me gasp my way through a hilarious passage. He was underwhelmed. He would say things like, “That’s amusing, but I’m trying to read. It’s just not that funny.” God love him, he means well.
Now that you know where I’m coming from, I can tell you of my outrage over the new G2 tagline. Here’s a link to The Commercial In Question, kindly provided by groovyoldlady. I saw the commercial twice during Bones (no apostrophe). Some basketball guy and some regular guy in a pool, each striving to be the best that they can be in their own way. Each one, apparently, drinking G2. Even the swimmer who got the pink slip and can’t pay the mortgage. You know, because G2 is free and all. Anyway, the tagline is “Less Calories for More Athletes.” I heard this, and my head snapped up like I’d been hooked on a line. “Seriously?!” I yelled (sort of) at the television. “What’s the matter, oh Beloved” calls The Beloved. “The G2 people suck! They said less calories. It’s fewer calories. Fewer!” He stopped listening at that point, because he knows How I Get.
If you don’t know the rule, here it is. You’re welcome. If you can count it, it’s fewer. If you can’t, it’s less. Some examples, students: Fewer M&Ms. Less candy. Fewer pennies. Less money. Fewer IQ points. Less intelligence. Fewer calories. Less sugar. Great taste. Less filling. Oh, sorry…
And that’s really all I have to say. I tried to find the Offending Commercial on YouTube so you could see and share in the Outrage, but it wasn’t there. It probably will be there tomorrow. But I won’t be. The Beloved and I (and my Sharpie, for correcting comma and apostrophe errors on signs at gas stations and Local Eateries) are going away for the weekend, so my outrage will have to endure over the next few days. Sunday Suppers will probably be Monday suppers, but it’s a good one. We had it tonight, which makes it a Wednesday Supper. Whatever. You’ll like it.
Remember your grammatical rules, children. And listen to me; I know what I’m talking about. I can spell.