In Which we find ourselves at the end of another month, ready to help answer your burning pastry questions.
So, guys–I was going to write a lovely Sunday Supper post about some stuff I made from Farmers’ Market Bounty. Then, I was going to write one about the Ridiculously Good chicken satay we had last night. And then, I remembered that today is the 31st. That’s right–the last day of the month. It’s practically Labor Day, and I swear Memorial Day was just a couple of weeks ago. For my Hinternational Readers, US Memorial Day and Labor Day pretty much bracket summer. Holiday Bookends.
At any rate, I’ve shelved the Sunday Suppers ideas for next week, because I remember my end of month Duty: to comb through the best and worst of my wee blog’s search terms. And August yielded a Bumper Crop of searches. Often, I’d find myself yelling to The Beloved, “Hey, somebody actually found me by searching (insert odd/unusual/funny search term here)!” As always, I have taken the liberty of phrasing in the form of a question, unless the term is so Odd that I can’t figure out how to do that. Also, I decided not to address any Cool Whip searches this time. It just makes me So Tired. And now, without further ado, let’s get down To It, shall we?
Do you know the “is laughing & smiling” birthday song? Why yes, I do. Becky from Maine taught it to me in college, and it goes like this:
Today is a birthday!
I wonder for whom?
I think it’s for someone right here in this room!
So look aaaaalll around you for somebody who
Is laughing and smiling!
My goodness, it’s you!
I’m not sure of the Actual Tune, so I usually just Recite it as a poem. You’re welcome.
(This one was actually phrased in the form of a question by the Intrepid Searcher): What tomatoes do you use for fried green tomatoes? Green ones.
What do you do if your live yeast won’t bubble? I hate to break this to you: your yeast is dead. Hold a funeral, and then buy new yeast. Seriously, they call it “proofing” so the yeast can prove to you that they’re alive by eating sugar and belching carbon dioxide. So, bubbles=live yeast, because that’s what yeast do. That’s all they do. When they don’t do what they do, it’s because they can’t, either because they are too cold or they are dead.
Do you know how to make a cake that doesn’t look like a cake? Yes.
How can I make a Glinda the Good Witch cake? I assume you are making this to celebrate Wicked’s coming to your town. By all means, you should celebrate such an occasion. I applaud you. Might I suggest making a Barbie cake, decorating it with all sorts of froofy white and palest pink frosting, slapping a Big Ass Tiara on her head and giving her a wand. Then, go to the medical supply store and tell them you need a self-contained atosphere bubble thingy. Ask if you can get it in pink. I guess you could also get one of those clear excerise ball things. Your call. Anyway, put the cake in the bubble-ball, then hook the it up to a pulley system and make it sort of float in the air and slowly descend to the table. It will be Awesome (for you, DS). If you think I’m crazy, I give you the following photos as Proof of Veracity: here, here and here.
Do you use powdered sweet and sour mix? Heavens, no. If I need sour mix, I use lemon juice, lime juice and 1:1 simple syrup. (2 parts lemon juice, 2 parts lime juice and 3 parts simple syrup). I’ve seen recipes that call for powdered egg white, and I have a bartender friend who swears that he would never NOT put egg white in his sour mix. It’s a Body Thing.
What went wrong with my pastry? I got nothin’.
Why do my pie crusts leak? Because they have holes in them. Seriously, a pie crust should be like a bowl to hold tasty items, not a colander to drain tasty items. If you put your pie crust in your pie plate and it tears a little, just take wee piece and use it as a patch. Press it on really well. Yes, working it will make it a little tough, but I’d rather have a Tiny Tough Part of my crust than a colander made of dough.
What kind of tattoos does Adam Lambert have? He only has one: an Eye of Horus, on the inside of his right wrist.
How is gluten developed in French puff pastry? All that rolling and folding activates the gluten. If you didn’t fold and roll and fold and roll so you’d have tons of layers of Very Thin Dough and butter, you’d end up with the Toughest Pastry in the World. Think of rolling as kneading–that’s how you knead pasta dough, even if you use one of those keen pasta machines. The flakiness and delicacy of pie crust tart crust is a function of minimal water, lowish gluten flour and minimal mixing. In contrast, the flakiness and delicacy of strudel dough, phyllo dough and puff pastry are a function of how thinly they are rolled (or stretched, as the case may be).
Why can’t you stir when making caramel sauce? That’s a good question. I had always heard that you should Never Stir sugar, and I never did because I was terrified that something Bad would happen. While the sugar is melting and boiling and is still clear, there is a danger of a rogue sugar crystal getting down in the boiling sugar and spawning a ton of little crystally friends. That’s one of the reasons that they tell you to brush the sides of the pan with water right when the sugar and water starts to boil–it washes those potential crystal-colony-spawning sugar crystals down into the stew where they belong. Anyway, once the sugar begins to color and it seems to thin out a little, I’ve found that I can stir with no ill effects. At that point the sucrose has been broken down into glucose and fructose and is well on its way to Being Caramel. There is so little crystalline structure left lying about that stirring doesn’t Wreak Havoc. So, my advice and experience says Stir Not While Clear, but once the sugar starts to color, stir in the middle. Try not to slop sugar syrup up the sides of the pan, because there’s no sense in Asking for Trouble, but give it a stir to keep the color even. I usually stir with a silicone spatula with the blade parallel to the bottom of the pan, keeping the blade in contact with the bottom.
Do you know the cheesecake boat comedian? Not in real life, but I love that cheesecake boat man bit Kevin Meaney used to do. “Cheesecake boat’s a’comin’! Gonna party tonight!” I’ve just spent fifteen minutes looking for a video of this little gem to no avail. Alas, I tried.
What oven program is used for making pie? What, you don’t have a Pie Button? Your oven is obviously Defective. Go to the store and get a new one. Make sure it’s the kind with the Pie Button.
Other notable searches for which I got nothin’:
- How to whip the cream for icing the past
- running away from fear
- tattoo backbone
- green beans filling cakes
- the cat and the custard cup terrine
Well, I hope you have enjoyed our little Round Up. If I ever come across a Cheesecake Boat clip, I’m giving it its own post!
Oh, and remember Van Halen pound cake? Well, I made a Souped Up version–it was Unbelievably Good. I will share with you the secrets of Unbelievably Good Pound Cake tomorrow. See you then.
