It smells like babies. It creams AND sweetens your coffee in one Fell swoop. It’s beige. It comes in a weird sized can. It’s sweetened condensed milk, and the label would have you believe that it’s milk that has been sweetened and condensed.
But these days, all that is just marketing hype. In this Brave New World of genetically modified organisms, disease-resistant crops and tomatoes that just taste pink, the Crack team of reporters here at PMAT have discovered the Ugly Truth behind the making of Sweetened. Condensed. Milk.
The Food Scientists over at Nestle and Borden, it seems, have been hard at work over the years perfecting Protocol whereby cows produce a milk with shocking viscosity, singular coloring and infant-like scent. Yes, that’s correct. Sweetened and condensed before leaving the cow. And now, Assange-like, I shall hold back the curtain and ask you all to take a gander at what is Really going on in the world of sweetened condensed milk.
Oh, the cows! The cows that produce SCM live under very artificial conditions. Forced to eat nothing but simple carbohydrates, every day is Halloween for these bovines. They are herded door to door in wretched parody of happy human children and are fed at every stop a diet of caramels, taffy, Tootsie-Pops and the occasional Root Beer Barrel.
After the daily round of door-to-door sweets-begging, the girls are rounded up for their session in the Sweat Lodge. Here, they sweat out gallons and gallons of liquid (which is then desalinated and used to water the plants, so they at least get points for attempting to be Green) which concentrates their milk. This vicious cycle of Sugar In Water Out continues for 30 full days, at which point the majority of the girls are given a hot bath to thin out the product, making the milk somewhat easier to Express. (The rest are kept to make Dulce de Leche, but I just don’t think you could handle the description of that particular process).
Next time you spy those comforting-looking cans of baby-smelling yumminess on the shelf, think of what the poor cows must endure so that you can cream AND sweeten your coffee with a minimum of effort. Do you really want to support that sort of enterprise?! Can you sleep soundly at night knowing that Bovine Sweat Lodges exist? That a whole generation of cows are suffering from malnutrition, hyperactivity and wretched dental health?! Stay your grabby little hand, put away your wallets and Stop the Madness. Just make your own sweetened condensed milk, and you can continue to enjoy Coffee Perfection with Minimal Effort without supporting the Mainstream SCM Industry.
No Guilt Sweetened Condensed Milk
- 1/2 cup boiling water
- 1 cup nonfat dry milk
- 2/3 cup sugar
- 3 Tablespoons butter
Put all ingredients in a blender or food processor.
Blend/process until smooth.
Use right away, knowing that you are saying yes to healthy cows and a resounding no to a decidedly uncowmane industry.
Have a lovely April 1st.
*Brought to you by the April Fool’sdivision of PMAT